And within hours of finishing my match with Paulo, the loose ends of The Dane vs. The Cautioneer have tied up nicely as well. Rather than go with Jett's fantabulous play-by-play (as she's got plenty of stuff to do without us bothering her), we decided instead to feature behind the scene commentary on just what was going on while we plied our craft. Enjoy! And vote!

[UPDATE: This just in. I'm told that I didn't just finish a match with T-Caution and that the match with Paulo was not mere moments ago, but actually last January. Huh! Whodathunkit? I guess that means that this is really the match I just finished with Photoshop Grasshopper, Kat the... uh, kat. Ooh, and that also means that in a stunning move of glorious gloriousness, we get Two (count 'em, Two) Guest Commentators and a microphone. This is where it's at if you wanna see sights from Kat and The Dane and read lunacy from the rare and beholden-to-none Jett and Kristin. We now return you to your regularly scheduled screw ups.]

Kat vs. The Dane 1o.24.2oo4

A haiku reflection on 5:oo this morning:
Strobe. Light. Bass. Rhythm.
Cacophonic wakefulness.
Lightnings' deft barrage.

Again I ask, how appropriate is it for the church to celebrate in its service division - no matter how grand the scale? There are many congregations that will be celebrating Reformation Day as an officially recognized holiday to be celebrated by incorporating it into the themes and practices of this coming Sunday's worship. To me, this seems as out of place as if the pastor dressed as a ghost and handed out Almond Joys and apple cider for communion. Why can't we, God's people, simply be happy to celebrate in our church services the joy of Christ and his gospel? Why do we feel it necessary or good or helpful or fun to incorporate celebration of a debately righteous deed?¹

As you can tell, I'm not really all that on board. Really, I'm all for people being able to go home and having Reformation Day parties where everybody dresses up as Protestants and burns Roman Catholics in effigy, but really, keep it outside of church, alright? Isn't the celebration of Christ s'posed to be just that? Shouldn't it be divorced as much as possible from cultural shennanigans? I'll be honest here: I don't want to hear politics in the pulpit, I don't want to hear how TV rots the soul, I don't want to hear how Christians have to worry about Halloween. And I certainly don't want to hear pro-Reformation propaganda. It doesn't matter if I like politics, hate TV, think Halloween sucks, or love the Reformation. It don't belong in the worship service.

1. And by "debately," I really just mean "probably not."

Ah, my new bumper sticker has arrived for the 2004 Pennet Race...

I think it's subtitle should be: "Does it really matter?" I was browsing through Jon Stewart's America (The Book) and caught upon a line in the second paragraph of the first chapter: "As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbancy rate; a Supreme Court comprirsed of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death - all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself."

Caveat to the last post: I bet a young Lauren Bacall could become a pretty good friend.

Question:

Answer:
Without a moment's hesitation, my best friend. Duh.

Yep. It's that time again. My favourite holiday of the year looms close. Yes, Halloween is just around the corner. And that means it's party time again. For any of you who can make it, we're celebrating on Saturday the 30th at my place. See flyer below:

Oh yes, for those of you Christians who still labour mistakenly under the notion that a thing's pagan origins has really anything necessarily to do with current celebration, feel free to liberate yourself by reading up on the meaning of holidays as relates to Christian celebration (you'll have to scroll past the pictures).

Why the Marriage Protection Amendment Is a Bad Joke
Forget for a moment that marriage - whether hetero- or homosexual - just flatout should not be legislated period. Forget that tax breaks for being married are not a right but some sort of bonus (it's like extra credit for entering into an economically stable relationship that will benefit the state somehow). Forget that the only legal involvement in marriage ought to be the same kind of legal involvement in any solemb contract. Forget that marriage is between people and perhaps between their church and God - and really not any business of the government.

Forget all that and enjoy together with me the level of retardation required to hear "Marriage Protection Amendment" and imagine it to be an apt or in any way fitting name for the obliteration of homosexual marriages.

First things first. Are you married? Is the fact that Jim and Robert wish to marry and do all sorts of nasty things that neither of us want to hear about - does that present any sort of real danger to your marriage? Will your relationship to your wife suddenly suffer in the aftermath of such a matrimony? My bet is: No, it probably won't. And if it does, then homosexual unions are The Least of your problems. Are you single? Do you think that that special someone you've had your matrimonial eye on these past months will be diminished because of gay people? Do you think that when you do marry, that your honeymoon will be less special than it would have been twenty years ago when it was still mildly acceptable to poke someone in the jaw for being gay? Is so, you're more snacky than I'd previously believed and the fact that you can read is surprising.

Now I could see an amendment of this name being used to actual protect marriage. I mean, wouldn't it be great if politics believed in Truth in Advertising? What would this amendment do then? Well, it might make divorce illegal. That would protect marriage! Or yeah, adultery! Adultery would be so illegal it would make your head spin. That too would protect marriage. Hm, and maybe spats and quarrels could be outlawed. Most dead or dissolved marriages have some notable contentions in their history - we'd need to get rid of those. Yeah, and getting fat. Nobody would be allowed to get fat or be anything other than beautiful people of mind, body and soul. Then couples would be so continually interested in each other that marriages would naturally protect themselves. Hip. Oh yeah, and sin. We would totally have to get rid of sin if we wanted to really get in there and protect marriage.

Hm, maybe I'm taking the wrong tact here. See, if we actually persuaded the government to outlaw marriage, then nobody would ever marry and therefore, nobody would be able to damage marriage either! It would be a utopian society and all would be wonderful.

So yeah, as patently stupid as my suggestions are, they are unequivocably more sensible as regards the name of the Marriage Protection Amendment. But I s'pose it made good propaganda - which I'm coming to see is all politicians and PACs are about anyway....

Saw an ad today (via the Ad Council, of course): "a bumper sticker never changed the world. vote. it's the simplest way to be heard."

Nice propaganda, but to be fair, a vote never changed the world either. The people only have a voice as they subvert their individualism and personal ideals to embrace a collectivism that partially represents their singular beliefs and/or deisres.

Among that group of things that could be accurately called, "My Favourite Things to Do to Calendars," there stands alone one great and wonderful thing that can be accruately called, "My Favourite Thing to Do to Calendars." Really, I just like adding word balloons to the pictures to add context to the scene that is playing out before us over the course of the month. Here is this month's effort, straight outta Compton, yo.

And just in case you had trouble reading the text, it says the following:

SAD BLOND

*snif*

well, even if dumb ol' Michael doesn't like me, at least you're always there for me Mr. Flower...

MR. FLOWER

of course m'dear! well, until i die in, say, thirty-six hours

About a month back, Rich from Dead Yet Living posted an excerpt from John Piper's sermon, "Total Abstinence and Church Membership." The excerpt, which here follows, serves to exhort the believer to the joys of abstaining from firewater (that is, lickkurrrrr). To wit:

Many young evangelicals need to have a far more positive attitude toward the sensitivities of conscience which many owe to their parents and church. It is a mark of great immaturity to be constantly kicking against the ways our parents taught us. I know I owe my conscientious misgivings about alcohol to my parents. We never drank and I am glad. I never felt the least slighted. On the contrary we were the happiest family I ever knew. Total abstinence paid off.

I might just add that I am also glad about some other so-called fundamentalist no-nos. My parents almost never went to movies and I almost never go to movies. The reason is very simple: there are almost no movies that don't ask me to be entertained by attitudes, motives, and actions which Jesus died to eradicate. My heart will not allow me to be entertained by worldliness. My parents never smoked and their way has proven best. Seminars on how to quit smoking would have been laughed to scorn as religious bigotry 25 year ago. Today it’s a law in Minnesota that you can't blow smoke in my face in a restaurant. I just mention a few of these wonderful "hang-ups" to illustrate that young believers should be very slow to liberate themselves from the scruples of their parents. And in any case, one should never act against one’s conscience. This is the first reason I am a teetotaler.

I had comments then (a month ago) and I'll reiterate and expand upon them here. Let me begin by saying that I enjoy John Piper. I have found a number of his thoughts to be profoundly helpful to my life and some of his exhortations have aided me in better aligning my focus upon Christ. That said, there are as well a number of points at which our beliefs diverge. This is not to say I would warn anyone from his teaching - merely to say, we don't see eye-to-eye on every gospel matter. I'm okay with this and I'm sure he is too, as this small kind of disagreement means little between brothers in Christ.

To start, I'll agree with Piper that many of the habits encouraged by godly parents are good habits and are likely born out of experience. Our parents are a valuable sources of wisdom and can function - when used properly - as fountains of good sense.

That said, at a certain age, questioning and testing the moral evaluations of one’s parents is no longer a mark of immaturity, but becomes a mark of maturity (so far as it embodies one taking responsibility for his own beliefs). The man who swallows for a lifetime his parents’ values - hook, line, and sinker - without ever critiquing them for himself has lived a lifetime in a state of immaturity and childlike reliance upon his parents; how then should such a man become an apologist to his own children when they ask why they shouldn't see movies or have a beer when the time is right? Ignorance may be blissful, but conviction should come from understanding and the unexamined life is a fool’s paradise.

Even in Scripture, we are encouraged to test the proclamation of the word to measure it against the truth of Scripture. If we are to test, question, and critique the oracles of God, how much more should we compare the wisdom of our elders' horse sense? True that nine times out of ten our parents' way may be the best way, but how much better to have proved it so through due consideration than to simply live as a carbon copy of one's sires, unflinchingly accepting (and living for oneself) their every fault along with their every excellence?

Further, Piper is right when he says that to travel against one’s conscience is sin (essentially saying that to ignore that which your gut tells you is wrong is, in fact, wrong). This is proved by the example that if I believe dancing is wrong and yet I dance despite my belief, though dancing is indeed acceptable, I chose to do what I believed to be wrong. The fact of choosing wrong is in itself wrong (regardless of the overall moral import of dancing). The problem is, Piper makes no plea for a better informed conscience. It seems he is advocating remaining as the vegetarians in Romans 14 - that is, remaining weak in faith. While we should excuse our brothers who are weak in faith for their weakness, I think the example of Scripture would have us rather encourage the building of their faith, the strengthening of their gospel trust - rather than simply saying, "Oh? Weak in faith? There, there. It’s a good place to be. You'll be happier for it."

As well, those who live with an uninformed conscience live in a constant danger. I didn't believe drinking was acceptable behavior for a Christian until I was 23 or so. I didn't have my first beer until I was 27. In that time before I came to realize that Christians could indeed enjoy a good draught in good conscience and in a manner glorying the Lord, I was happy I had never tasted alcohol. More than happy, I was proud of my abstinence - as if it were something to be proud of. It is the self-righteous person who takes pride in abstaining from that which is not evil. I might as well take Christian pride in an abstinence from eating peanuts - for they are the moral equivalent of a beer (only in their abuse can either be a source of moral ill). And with self-righteousness comes a haughtiness with which he of the ignorant conscience actually comes to look down on those of stronger faith, those whose consciences do not bind them in the same manner. I speak from experience on this one. I can recall viewing with disgust Christians who I believed marred the name of Christ by indulging in social drinking or smoking. In some cases, I even doubted their faith - this was especially the case if the believer in question listened to non-Christian music. There is no good excuse for my behavior back then except to say this: I was young. I was stupid. And I was weak in faith. And now I'm happy to have grown and I believe myself spiritually closer to what God would have man to be as a result of that growth (not a huge leap forward, sure, but a step at least). Though I still exhibit moments and themes of weakness, I'm more and more leaving that little kind of faith behind as Christ continues to work in me for good.

And lastly, in truth, I worry slightly about Piper’s attitude here. He attributes his family’s happiness to the fact that they abstained from something lawful to the believer. In short, he seems to worry that his happiness would have been lessened if he had allowed himself the liberty that God allows him. By claiming abstinence and believing his happiness to be contingent upon that abstinence, he places a new law upon his head. It is one thing if he becomes abstinent after recognizing that he has a real and profound difficulty with alcohol and its deleterious effects when abused. But he offers no adequate reason and instead relies upon plain-old, unexamined fundamentalism. And honestly, as a man of his position of renown and influence within the Christian community, I expect better of him.

Since my political blah blah blah below have gone largely ignored, I thought I'd post an email whose arrival I have been long anticipating. It seems that at long last, someone from Denmark has taken notice of my moniker and decided something must be done about it. Below, you will find [genuine Danish name withheld]'s letter to me and my reply in answer - I post my reply simply because I'm certain its a question that many of you have asked yourselves in the deep hours of the night.

Hi there

I’m a real Dane, living in Denmark watching your vidblogs wondering why you call yourself the Dane. Do we not have some sort of copyright on that term? How would you like it if I started calling myself the American….see how that hurt!!

The Dane (with a bit too much time on my hands), Copenhagen - Europe

Dear [genuine Danish name withheld], Choose your own adventure:

a) The name, The Dane, was awarded me by a friend who thought me Danish - despite that my ancestry is mixed with about 50/50 Danish/German. I found it funny and ironic since, though living in America, I eschew the practice of defining people by their citizenship.

b) I am really The Last Surviving Dane (only I shorten it to The Dane and sometimes to TheDane on the internet). All true Danes were obliterated during the "war years" soon after the demise of Canute. My family/clan/tribe/what-have-you migrated to the shores of America in A.D. 1200 after a grueling flight across the Pacific (that's right, we took the long way). It wasn't America's cold winters that killed us off for we were born to the cold. No, sadly, we - being unaccustomed to the heat and sunshine of Southwest America succumbed to grievous tans and intermarriage with Apaches. A small few of us survived several decades until the dawning of the fourteenth century when they promptly fell dead (the best guess is that they couldn't wait any longer for air conditioning to be invented and so simply passed on out of a marked impatience). And so, I was the only one of us left. I passed the years meanderingly and finally, in the 1850s, ran into someone (a college professor, at that!) with a knowledge of the events that had transpired in Europe since my departure. To my surprise, a new lineage of people had settled in the lands I had known as a youth - these peoples, settling in Denmark, naturally decided to refer to themselves as Danish (since they were unaware that this naming convention was still in use halfway around the globe). Though they - and by extension of progeny, you - refer to themselves as Danes, they are a far cry from genuine. What the world currently knows as the Danish are really nothing more than a sad mixed-breed of Turkish, Irish, Sicilian, and far errant Pacific Islander. I'm sorry to be the one to alert you of your status as a False-Dane, but I think once you come to terms with your true identity, things may work out better for you. Oh, and yes, I know I look spry, but I'm really 1107 years old this winter (all true Danes are born in the winter... of their discontent).

c) It was either The Spaniard or The Dane. And honestly, The Spaniard just doesn't have the same flair now, does it?

d) I name myself after the nation of people I plan to conquer next. Look upon my works ye mighty and despair.

e) My real name is Dane Michael Cossarwal. As I am the only person named Dane in my family and extended family, I have chosen to adopt the definite article before my name. This gives me an air of importance and helps me to feel less self-conscious when approaching the ladies.

f) Milk!!!

g) THE DANE is the only reasonable thing i could think to spell with my phone number 843-3263. I could have gone as THE FAME or maybe as VID EBOE. But really, neither of those really have the same flavour, do they? Hmm... well, THE FAME has more and more going for it the more I think about it.

h) You're right that "The Dane" is actually copyrighted. In fact, I pay huge royalties to the powers that be in order to be fully legal and above-board with my use of the name. I find your questioning me in this manner offensive as I have gone out of my way to proceed properly in my appropriation of the name's use.

i). I'm actually a woman. A chick. A lady. A broad. A twist, dish, babe, chippy, frail, girlie, skirt, et cetera. Also known as a "dame." When I applied for my first email address nine years ago with Primenet (now a Global Crossing company), the guy on the phone misheard me when I asked if my email address could be theDameOf5683@primenet.com (I was really into film noir in early 1996). So then, I got my account setup and found out that because of the gum in the kid on the phone's ear, my email was now theDaneOf5683@primenet.com. It was a letdown to be sure, but slowly the name grew on me. And here we are.

j) The'dané is Elvish (in Tolkien) for "barrel-chested tough-guy that chicks dig and just can't leave alone." Knowing how attractive guys are that are into so beautiful a language as Qenyan, I knew if I took such a rugged name, that women would not be able to stop themselves from giving me their phone numbers. Honestly, though, I don't know what happened. Maybe I didn't advertise loudly enough that I can speak fluently both the Elvish languages of Qenya and the faery language of the Tuathan peoples.

k) One word: I am Danish.

l) In the end, being so ashamed of my country of origin. I decided to take matters into my own hands. Not being able to afford moving to a new country and much less having the time to learn anything more than a passable kitchen Spanish, I decided that if I would not be able to naturalize myself through the usual means, I would have to just buck up and take the big step, declaring myself forever a citizen of the Great and Glorious Danish Empire! Hwæt wê Gâr-dena in geâr-dagum Þêod-cyninga Þrym gefrûnon, hû ðâ æÞelingas ellen fremedon. And so, here I am fellow countryman. Let us rejoice together in our bond of kinship and everlasting love of the Motherland.

m) You open the door to find yourself face-to-face with the grue. Unfortunately, you cannot see the grue as it is dark. You are immediately disemboweled and your family will mourn you for weeks - all except your Uncle Morty, who to this day believes that you ran off to try your hand as a Hollywood actor only to fail on the way and die of a heroin overdose under a bridge traversing the Santa Ana River. Perhaps you should have considered your last decision more carefully. THE END.

All my Love,
The Dane

p.s. please do call yourself The American! How cool would that be! It's even better if your English is bad or at least has an unbearably thick accent. Then, it could be like we just traded nationalities for a while - like on one of those stupid reality shows that seem to enthrall so the uneducated masses. Pax.

I almost don't want to post a new... er, post... because the comments below are becoming quite interesting - what with the discussions of the poor, the elimination of borders, celebrating a UN, and broad references to communism! But I've been wanting to write about this for a little while now, so here goes:

One of the things I've long found amusing/disturbing is the vigour and excitement people are willing to put into their discussions of political matters. We don't find this in nearly any other sphere of discussion. People might have a great affection for any number of things: their favourite movie, their favourite pizza toppings, their favourite coffee, their wives, et cetera. Yet we don't see nearly to degree of feisty discussion over the merits of these opinions as we do over politics. And really, you would think that with the passion with which we care about our loved ones that even the slightest disagreement over our estimation of said loved ones would cause heated arguments every time - yet, usually, these kinds of disagreements are settled with a simple shrug and a feeling of beauty being in the eye of the beholder.

So then, why the fierce competition over political ideals? Why would someone stop being friends or associating with another over a political difference? Why would some guy run out of the comicbook story yesterday, holding his ears and yelling, "I don't even wanna hear about John Kerry!" (as some guy surely did when one of the employees mentioned that Kerry made a good point on some issue or another)? Why do people so easily and vehemently look down on those who aren't of their party?

Certainly not out of reason.

I start wondering about this every time an election comes around, sparking tempers and the fire of souls. In reality, politics shouldn't matter for no one really has the power to change the world. The vote of the person with whom you disagree doesn't mean anything. So then, why do things so quickly become emotional when political opinions are raised?

This is what I've come to believe:

Nobody is happy with the world around them. We live in a cursed world, so this lack of contentment with a world filled with death, disease, pain, and other people is expected. Simultaneously, people come to believe with conviction that the things they believe about government, its purpose, and where its goals ought to lie - they begin to believe that these opinions they hold are more than just correct - they are right. Now this conviction is not of its own a problem, but when combined with the lack of happiness in one's world, he comes to believe that the reason he is not happy is that the world is not run according to the way he believes it should be run.

Now, he comes upon someone who happens to hold political opinions that oppose his own. If we were talking favourite actresses, there would be no hard feelings; but since we're talking politics, the world explodes. This man has just met the physical embodiment of the reason why he is not happy and the world is not running properly. And what other possible reaction can he have? You meet the devil, you better the heck rage against him.

Now all of this, I believe occurs on a subconscious level in such a way that the furious debaters never realize the reason why they hold each other with such animosity. And now I'll go further. This is an understandable reaction in the person who really doesn't know why the world is a big mess, but there is one person who should never fall prey to this kind of subconscious manipulation: the believer. The believer knows why the world is so screwed up, why the economy is not stable, why there are abortions, why we have to worry about terrorism, why there are porr and illiterate, why the money we earn is never quite enough to allow us to stop earning money. The believer knows - or ought to. And it ain't got nothin' to do with politics. When we fall prey to polarization, to villifying those who stand upon different political shores, we become an embarrassment. In our forgetfulness, we come to blame the state of the world upon a cause other than the cause, and for that, we should be ashamed.

Something curious about picketers. Why is it that people protesting a liberal cause (e.g., stop the war in Iraq, support gay rights, kill global warming) seem like regular-Joe do-gooders (whether you agree with their protest or not, and people picketing for a conservative cause (e.g., stop gay marriage, support Prop 187, kill John Kerry) seem like arrogant, hateful whatevers. I'm not saying what seems is what is. I'm just talking public perception here.

I was thinking about this yesterday as I drove by a group gathered across the street from the local city-sanctioned illegal immigrant labour-recruitment center. They had signs like "Honk if you want them out!" and "Stop letting criminals steal our jobs!" As I drove by, not honking (I mean seriously, how embarrassing), through my open window I heard an old lady yell, "Keep America for Americans." Believe me, I understand the sentiment though I think their protest was ignorant and misguided ... as if these hopefully labourers are actually stealing jobs from Americans. Last I checked there wasn't much of a line-up of citizens willing to pick strawberries for five bones an hour. If anything, this kind of labour is a boon to our economy as a task is accomplished that would not be done for so low a wage by someone who not only has minimum wage on his side but can request sick leave, raises, worker's comp, etc. And... we get cheaper strawberries.

And now, veering back from my tangent, I was thinking about why conservative protestors embarrass us and I came up with this idea: culturally, the place of the protestor is the radical, the revolutionary. The protestor's job, traditionally, is to bring a helpful, liberating change to the status quo. Yet, the hallmark of conservatism is that it seeks to maintain the status quo. Change is antithetical to the purpose and needs of conservatism (which is why we call it conservatism). This is why conservative protests seem so foreign. We've never truly accepted that there was any need to protest in order to maintain the status quo - since status quo naturally remains as it is until revolutionary ideas are introduced.

I'm not saying that conservatives shouldn't protest and picket. Well, maybe I am saying that. At least until they can find a way around the natural stigma that conservative protesting garners from the public eye. Besides, I'm not sure that in this age that picketing can really benefit their cause. Though I could be wrong.

Top 50 Chick Flicks (in a Round-About Sort of Way):
As promised, here are my personal favourite chick flicks. Ones that I think any person, male or female, should be able to enjoy. If you're personal favourite isn't listed, it may well be because I haven't yet seen it (unless it stars Julia Roberts - then i think we've pinpointed the problem before we've even begun), so feel free to recommend I see a film that's important to you. I think there'll be plenty on here that will get a happy nod from those who enjoy these sorts of films and more than a few that will make you go, "Wait, he thinks that's a chick flick?" Should be fun.

My Top 37 Chick Flicks

1 - Return to Me

Duchovny's characters genuine love, care, and adoration of his wife is touching throughout. I just wanna give the big lucg a hug and tell him: "Buck up, li'l camper. It'll be alright in the end. You'll see. She won't be as pretty, but she'll have your wife's heart in her."

2 - Meet Joe Black

The Pitt's humourous approach to Death incarnating to experience this thing called love brings some welcome tchuckles to an already well-put-together film.

3 - Before Sunrise

Engrossing, Before Sunrise shows us just how romantic a long conversation can be. Can true love be found within the space of eighteen hours? Quizas, quizas, quizas.

4 - Beautiful Girls

Ted Demme crafted in 1996 one of the most human treatments of generational angst that I have ever seen. The film stands largely as a slice-of-life tale detailing the means by which Willie (an able Timothy Hutton) transverses a sort of early-mid-life crossroads. He has come to a point of ambiguity in his life. And Demme uses the catharsis of a confused return to his hometown and old friends to offer a conclusion that satisfies without feeling contrived or without wrapping up too many loose ends.

5 - Sliding Doors

A Kieslowski-esque exploration of fate and determinism elevates what could have been just a good romance into a much more intriguing film - one that alternately funny, sweet, and thought-provoking.

6 - Say Anything

Cusak rocks my face off. Not only is Say Anything a good time, but Lloyd Dobbler is a graspable man - the kind of guy any guy can be if he just puts some effort in to care about stuff.

7 - Persuasion

While not the most flashy of the recent spate of Jane Austen adaptations, Persuasion offers a solid story, a sypathetic heroine, and love and justice for all.

8 - When Harry Met Sally

Reiner’s exploration of men and women and the friendship they can’t possibly share is simply wonderful. With the least amount of cheese and the greatest degree of honest heart, When Harry Met Sally is that to which all other romance-comedies aspire, yet fail. It also boasts the conceit of being actual proof that Billy Crystal can not be annoying if properly directed.

9 - Mansfield Park

Another Good Austen adaptation. This, even more than Gwynny's Emma, may be the most cinematic of the adaptations - as everything else could double as made-for-tv movies. It is also the raciest of the bunch as well - which is not to say it's all that racy. I'm just sayin' is all.

10 - Philadelphia Story, The

Can love survive after marriage? What about after after marriage? Stewart, and Hepburn are delightfully entertaining to watch as they twist amusingly under Grant's eye.

11 - Family Man, The

Number one thing to note: I didn't hate Nicky Cage. That says a lot right there and may be the chief reason to enjoy this film. After that, we have a story of love and marriage and second chances and could have beens. And I loved every minute of it.

12 - Casablanca

Not only is Rick (Bogart) the be-all/end-all of smoove in his little Moroccan hideaway, but as a romantic, he really does get it. He's weathered betrayal and all the other typical hardships and hasn't come out smellin' of roses, but then, he didn't have to. He still has his charm - and somewhere, maybe even a heart.

13 - Before Sunset

The sequel to Before Sunrise reminds us dutifully why we love Jesse and Celine as a couple. They're real. And sometimes too real. This is less than ninety minutes long and takes place in realtime - and if you liked the original, those ninety minutes are far too brief.

14 - Emma

Watching Emma evolve from the knowitall rich girl into a creature who finally realizes that her affections have been immature and misdirected is a joy to watch. Witty and light, Emma excels in its genre.

15 - High Fidelity

This is the "chick flick" that scratches beneath the radar of most guys, but chicks in the know know better. In the midst of comedy and regretful, boy-talk introspection, the gaggles of confused guys in the audience might not realize what they're watching, but High Fidelity refocuses all the common themes of the standard romance-comedy into a biting joy and pleasure. And one that most guys will watch over and over without the slightest thread of anxiety.

16 - Sabrina

Honestly, it's been quite some time since I've seen this. I saw the Bogart/Hepburn on more recently and that was still about six years ago. The remake is definitely the preferred version. Sabrina tells the story of the ugly-duckling-turned-beautiful-swan as she turns from a facile, shallow infatuation with a paperdoll to an honest appreciation for character.

17 - You've Got Mail

While a signature example of the genre and portraying the kind of image that would send many guys immediately browsing in the Raiders of the Lost Ark section of the store, You've Got Mail is genuine, fresh, and even a little bit humourous. It doesn't openly tug on the heartstrings to the point of manipulation. It's not the best movie in the world, but it is a clean and brisk diversion.

18 - Snow Falling on Cedars

Admittedly, this sits on the fringe of the "chick flick" domain, but I've included it simply because while the outermost story does revolve around '5os racism in a murder trial, the driving force of the movie is a tale of true love forbidden and impossible. This isn't light fare, but it's more rewarding because of it and watching Ishmael and Hatsue resolve themselves into their exclusionary lives is in many ways cathartic to any who have known unfair loss.

19 - Father of the Bride

This was great. I really enjoyed it as a mellow romp through the disasters that await people who have parents. Kimberly Williams glowed as if she really were getting married and Steve Martin plays solidly a dork guy who is made insane by his daughter's impending marriage.

20 - Cutting Edge, The

Toepick. 'Nuff said.

21 - Shakespeare in Love

Funny thing is: I am not even close to what could be considered a fan of Shakespeare. I find his brand of poetry almost impenetrable unless taken a phrase at a time and allowed time for digestion. I suppose much of Shakespeare in Love could fall under that same description - except that you don't need to understand exactly what is said to feel the romance. To be sure, the film's more about infatuation than about real love, but c'mon, is infatuation any less deserving of being treated simply because its not something else? My only regret was having to see Gwynny-boobies - but I'm not gonna let one bad thing ruin a pretty nice movie :-)

22 - Ever After

Okay. I'll be honest. This is the first Cinderella-story I've ever enjoyed (and yeah, that includes the animated dose of bippity-boppity-boo). For some reason, everything just clicked and it seemed more adventuous than what came before. I dunno, I guess I'd just say it was fun for me.

23 - Much Ado about Nothing

Ho! More Skakespeare! What's going on? *shrug* With the exception of a slight miscast in the way of the villain, I found Much Ado about Nothing to be a bubbling pot of funsoup. After I turned on the subtitles, that is.

24 - Princess Bride, The

You may recall, or you may not, but this made my list of Top 5 Love Stories Committed to Film a few years back - and has lost none of its flavour. "As You Wish" may well be anthemic to that kind of sacrifical love that every girl wants from her amour and all conscientious guys wish they could honestly offer to their lady.

25 - French Kiss

I don't know if I've said this or not. I do not like Meg Ryan. I do, however, enjoy Kevin Kline quite a bit. French Kiss was a trifle. Amusing. Fun. And a nice way to pass a Thursday evening with your sweety.

26 - Bridget Jones' Diary

A more realistic and less romantic version of Austen. The Zellweger is suitably poor of spirit to allow the viewer to empathize with her plight. Coinstantly embarrassed and forever making a muck of things, she's just the kind of girl who needs the firm and responsible touch on her life that Colin "Chick FlicK" Firth can offer. Fun. That is all. Thank you.

27 - Clueless

Light, airy, with a hint of classic storytelling, Clueless is the modern girl's Emma and is cheerful fun. Even the appearance of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones isn't as jarring as you might imagine or expect.

28 - Grosse Pointe Blank

I wasn't aware that this examination of the tradecraft of assassins was actually a "chick flick" until very recently; however, once alerted to its status, immediately the pieces began to fall into place and I noted (with assistance) that despite all the gunplay, Grosse Point Blank is really just about a guy trying to make up with his high school sweetheart and one love of his life.

29 - Roxanne

Watching Steve Martin overcome his fears and handicap (as silly as it is) are fun to watch. I hate watching movies with an eye to what lesson can be drawn from its bowels, but if there isn't a lesson in Martin's quiet perseverance, I don't know where it might be.

30 - Playing by Heart

While ensemble-casted romances usually only portray the slightest character development - due largely to the limited screentime allotted to each principle, I still liked the formerly titled Dancing about Architecture (this alternate title came from the line that "Talking about love is like dancing about architecture"). Angelina Jolie's performance is great and her relationship to Jay Mohr in the story is touching and sacrificial.

31 - About a Boy

While Hugh grant is on my list of Top 5 Actors who can make me slightly worse than indifferent about a film, About a Boy really is pretty charming - though it has nowhere near the edge and personal vigour of High Fidelity.

32 - Wedding Singer, The

This may be the only Sandler comedy in the post-Madison/Gilmore era that's really worthwhile. Oh yeah, Mr. Deeds was pretty cool, but Wedding Singer was alternately funny and sweet. The high points are definitely every time Sandler decides to grace us with a song, but the whole thing is pretty fun.

33 - Last of the Mohicans

While appealing to the bloodlust in many overtestornated young fellahs, the cental themes of LoM are those of love and sacrifice. "No matter where they take you - no matter how far away - I will find you!" The finale cements this in a way that words cannot (complete with throbbing romantic score and sweeping imagery designed to provoke emotion like I Am Sam never could).

34 - Where the Heart Is

I remember seeing this at a sneak preview with Mikey and walking out both satisfied that we had seen a good film. Not great, but better than average, we thought.

35 - Down with Love

I love it when romantic comedies keep to the wit and style of bygone eras. It makes me feel as though I were taking part in some way in those latter funky courtship rituals. And really, who better to live vicariously through than Double-Oh MacGregor (midget or not)?

36 - Ride with the Devil

A movie with Jewel? Sure, whatever works. Admittedly, the love story aspect of this film is second place to the greater drama going on in the hearts of those both metaphorically and literally struck down by the life of war - but still, I think Ride with the Devil has enough romance and/or relationship building to function as a loose chick flick. Although - it has been a while ;-)

37 - Cold Mountain

Though only knowing each other for a brief time - a year or two - and sharing few words, Inman and Ada share that kind of love that transcends words and looks to expressions less pedantic for its food. Separated by leagues, they long for years to see each other's lives reinstated in a way by which they can finally marry and, presumably, live happily ever after. But the miles are hard on both body and soul. And all the while, enemies linger. The tension is suitable and the love fervent, if a touch hollow.

Honorable Mention:
Not Chick Flick that Could Have Been a Chick Flick:

- Hellboy

I think that with the strongly romantic themes - and especially with the final images of Hellboy and Liz Sherman - this really could have (and perhaps should have) been marketed as a movie for girls. Really, I think Hellboy embracing a flaming girl as if they were actually made for each other is one of the loveliest images I've seen lately.

Honorable Mention:
Not Chick Flick that Some Argue Really Is:

- Fight Club

This guy argues that Fight Club is an inherently feminist film pointing out that a reversal in traditional patriarchy is the answer to our problems - or at least the answer to Jack's problems. Grrrlpowerus Maximus.

Top 5 Chick Flicks in a Foreign Language:

1 - Road Home, The

If I were to add foreign-language films into the central body of my list, The Road Home would without a doubt in my mind hold the #1 spot as the "Chick Flick" I most cherish. The story is sweet and hard and not emotionally abusive. Perfection.

2 - Cinema Paradiso

Not only does Ciname Paradiso boast a mournful tale of love lost to circumstance (along with all the joy and celebration of cinema), but it also features one of my Top 5 Sexiest Screen Kisses. Maybe I was touched by the film's magic and made to believe that but - Wow!

3 - In the Mood for Love

Entirely sumptuous! Wong Kar-Wai has an incredible talent for developing mood through sight and sound—and using that above and beyond exposition to tell his story of star-crossed lovers. More profoundly at odds than ever Romeo and Juliet were, Mrs. Chan and Mr. Chow seem destined to remain apart and it is pure, unadulterated joy to watch their audio-visual destiny play itself out. The soundtrack (and especially the main theme) are haunting and serve to draw the viewer into the film’s easy pace.

4 - The Vertical Ray of the Sun

While there's love stories aplenty in this Vietnamese pick, my real reason for choosing it is the romance of the camera and what it chooses to magnify, to glorify. A beautiful, meandering work.

5 - Amelie

While not the standard love story by any means, Jean-Pierre Jeunet's latest fascination is absolutely adorable. If Audrey Toutau followed me home, I'd like to keep her XD

Top 5 Animated Chick Flicks:

1 - Whisper of the Heart

In a story written by Hayao Miyazaki and produced by his Studio Ghibli, Whisper of the Heart is, in some aspects, my favourite animated film ever. Though the protagonists are only fifteen years old, their behavior and convictions are convincing and beautiful to watch.

2 - Only Yesterday

This is a slow film. There is no action. It deals with things like the production of safflower, the taste of unsweetened pineapple, and the potential trauma of first periods. Still, the relationships are well developed and the motive of the heroine are known and understandable. She's at a crossroads in her life, much as she was in junior high when she moved from childhood to adolescence - only now, she, at age twenty-seven, must finally become an adult and make difficult choices with her own welfare in mind.

3 - Beauty and the Beast

This is THE movie for all those whiny guys who feel insecure in the face of the wonderful lovers they perceive in other "chick flicks." The hero is a beast both of body and soul. A raging lunatic with barely a shred of decency, the Beast is selfish, cruel, and prone to fits of raging violence. Yet, even he, after months of witnessing true love and kindness in the form of Belle, begins to see light and know love and is even willing to give up his future honestly in a deep show of his pure affection.

4 - Sleeping Beauty

One of the things I think contemporary Christian culture has really struck upon with an iron and unbreakable grip is its focus on true love being developed over time through conversation and gradual growth. As good as that is, I think we do damaged to ourselves ignoring the possibility of either love at first sight or love based on even less than that. Sleeping Beauty deals with the latter kind. In truth, Prince Charming knows nothing of the object of his affection; yet still he goes to all ends to protect her and secure her well-being. To diminish the validity of his love is tragically cynical and can have no good affect on the society that diminishes it.

Plus the trees rock my face off.

5 - I Can Hear the Sea

This one plays straight. Not a lot of humour. No extravagant animation. No big eyes, huge teeth, speed lines, over-sized breasts, swords, lasers, or chicks with blue hair. Just a calm, straightfoward drama about a boy, a girl, and the other boy who likes her. Honestly, I wasn't even sure it was a love story for quite some time. It plays its card close to its chest - which was refreshing.

Honorable Mention:
Should Have Made My Top 5 Except It Was a Miniseries Instead of a Flick:

- Pride & Prejudice

Technically, P&P isn't really a film - being a televised miniseries - yet it's almost impossible to think of the show as anything so pedestrian as "tv." Any guy worth his salt should give this a try. The story is engaging and despite the six-hour length, remains fascinating throughout. Even better, the leads while not ugly certainly don't have that glamourous beauty that Hollywood seems intent on pushing into so many stories about normal people (I can't imagine how the upcoming Keira Knightley version will turn out - though I'm certain she'll draw out more guys to the film).

So there you go. 37 + 5 + 5 + 3 honorable mentions = a Top 50! Love that new math (p.s. does anybody really know what's being referred to when we speak of "that new math"?). The reason I didn't include any foreign films in the main body of my list is that they are still uncommon enough in the mind-starved general populace that at least 96% of my readers haven't seen more than one of the foreign films mentioned (and the number is only set at one because of Amelie's extravagant popularity a couple years back - shame on all of you who haven't yet seen it). There were some films like Eat Drink Man Woman and the animated, John Cusak Anastasia that I really wanted to add but unfortuantely, their categories were already filled with ever-so-slightly better films. Ah well.

Let's get something straight at the beginning. If something as obvious as film noir cannot be classified as a genre because there is no strictly defined pattern but only common themes or even wisps of themes that thread meanderingly through the films that earn the classification, then by no means can we even begin to devise any glimmer of a strict definition of something so varied and nuanced as the "chick flick."

Think about it. While romance is a very good clue to whether something is a "chick flick" or not, not all such films contain romance (My Girl and Now and Then come to mind). While a focus on relationships and what passes between characters is often important in the "chick flick," there are plenty of other kinds of movies that focus equally upon relationships (look at Leon or The Shawshank Redemption). Not all "chick flicks" are light (e.g., Persuasion or Cold Mountain). Not all "chick flicks" abuse your emotions (Sliding Doors and When Harry Met Sally didn't). Plus there's the fact that women disagree on which films can be considered "chick flicks."

Really, I think that like noir cinema, chick cinema is a broad category through which we can trace one of several themes. Yes many, but not all are romantic. Many, but not all treat the complexities of human relationship. Many play upon audience emotion as if it were a fiddle. Many take a lighter tone and treat the world as if it were made of daisies. But the key feature, I think, is this: is the movie in question one that girls (as a general category) sit down and watch on an evening where the men are away. I think this is a broad category - and maybe to broad - but its the one I'll be using on the list I put up tomorrow night.

If anyone has a better idea, please let me know. I suppose another tact would be to define anything as a "chick flick" away form which the red-blooded American male naturally shies. Personally, I'm not gonna go with this because it strikes me as pretty freakin' gay. First it relies upon a solidification of the "red-blooded American male" as some neanderthallic buffoon, whose ability to deal with things on a greater than Bow-Biff-and-Bam level is remedial at best. The fact is, many of the films that are commonly referred to as "chick flicks" are really quite good and deserve time by both men and women. The fact that there are men who can't see that does not make the movie a "chick flick" - it simply makes the men in question, well, dumbish.

It may be obvious from my use of quotation marks and my remarks here that in all honesty, I find the term "chick flick" repulsive to my sense of cinema. It's a gross stereography that's based more on traditional biases than on any sort of rational judgment. I only use it begrudgingly here because it's a term that, while not ever really defined, should be readily discernable to everyone here.

Congruent to a my impassioned defense of so-called "chick flicks" against the reaming they were taking over at DYL, Tom has requested my Top 100 Chicko Flickos (or however many I can get together). I was going to post that list today, but there are about four or five more films I'd like to review before posting (in the interests of accuracy). So! Whoever would like to spend the gayest weekend in the world with me while we watch hour after hour of romantic, heartfelt, relation-based cinema, Come On Down! So then, An Officer and a Gentleman anyone? How to Make an American Quilt? Sleepless in Seattle? Reality Bites? Operators are standing by to take your reservations now!

I have a distinct feeling that it'll just be me this weekend. Me, a tub of popcorn, a couple quarts of ice cream, and a box full of kleeenex - *snif*

[UPDATE: shoot, I may have to see Where the Heart Is again too...]